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The Resident I

1

For a very long time, I’ve been troubled by one question.

“How should I build my hideout to be considered well-built?”

A hideout. My secret base.

As everyone knows, I have a trauma.

It stems from the incident during the 89th turn when my base was completely ransacked in one go by an alien with pink hair named Koyori.

Since then, a corner of my skull has always echoed with Koyori’s ASMR full voice, taunting me: “Pathetic♡ You, an infinite regressor, got wiped out by a single brainwash beam♡ Your hideout is so lame♡”

Of course, there’s no way Koyori actually spoke like that. If she found out about my trauma, she’d tilt her head in confusion. It was just a sign of how severe my mental scars were.

I needed a solution.

Thus, today’s story is about my sweet home.

2

Although I’ve never directly mentioned it to you all, I’ve actually explored my personal El Dorado across numerous turns.

The types of utopias varied.

I tried living on a luxury yacht and even setting up a mobile sea fortress. I also set up a house on an uninhabited island.

Skyscrapers, underground bunkers, subway tracks, rail cannons—I experienced all the forms of “hideouts” people typically imagine.

But for some reason, no hideout ever fully satisfied my aesthetic sense.

2%. There was always 2% missing.

“Your standards are too high, oppa.”

The puppeteer Lee Hayul grumbled.

Of course, her own lips remained firmly shut. She spoke through her ever-present maid marionette.

Lee Hayul, the daughter of a notorious traitor (the former mayor of Busan), had the skill to pull puppet strings from under her nails.

Lee Hayul’s puppet strings were virtually superconductors of aura, capable of transmitting aura to the tips with minimal loss. This miraculous superconductor was extremely useful for hideout security.

In constructing an impregnable hideout, Lee Hayul’s cooperation was not optional but essential.

Not only I but also Noh Doha and Cheon Yohwa always hired Lee Hayul when renovating their base buildings.

Even such an expert showed reluctance at my requests as the building owner.

“Tell me honestly. What is your ideal guild building, oppa?”

“First, it must be able to withstand any physical shock from outside for a long time.”

“Like an underground bunker?”

Lee Hayul nodded.

“Possible. Every guild master desires that. Next?”

“It should also be able to handle intruders who use non-physical means to infiltrate.”

“Possible. Make entry difficult, like a labyrinth.”

“But at the same time, guild members must be able to deploy quickly. There should be many secret passages.”

“…?”

“And I don’t want to impose harsh living conditions on my guild members. They should always be able to live more comfortably than other guilds. For example, if they want to take a walk by the Han River, they should be able to do so immediately, and the view should be nice if possible.”

“…”

Lee Hayul closed her notebook. Then she looked up at me with her golden eyes.

“Oppa. Where is your conscience?”

Admittedly, it was a conscienceless demand.

To completely block Koyori’s alien invasion, flawless security was necessary.

But security and convenience are difficult to coexist beyond a certain level. You can’t expect five-star hotel room service on a nuclear submarine.

Yet dismissing Koyori as nonexistent—Ahh! In my head! The pink voice in my head! Iä! Iä! Let’s become one, guild master!

So, my days of suffering from an echo akin to the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra continued.

Then, one day during the 196th turn.

I was sitting by the Han River, lost in thought, staring blankly at the water.

Then, from afar, a man I had never seen before approached, pushing a mountain bike. Two pistols at his waist, a backpack, and a rifle on his back—the latest fashion trend in the apocalypse.

“Huh…? Is this not the place?”

The bike man stopped about 600 meters away and looked around.

“Strange. SGNet clearly said it was here…”

The word SGNet piqued my interest.

At this time, I had completely given up on security and built my hideout under the Han River, near the convenience store where I first met the Saint.

And there were no other buildings around except my hideout. The so-called “Summer of Seoul” incident, where most of Gangnam was engulfed by the void, left nothing but my hideout and a few buildings around the Han River’s south side.

In other words, the place the bike man was looking for was likely my guild hideout. As the owner, I had to inquire about his intentions.

“What’s your business here?”

“Whoa!”

The bike man was startled. I had approached him silently and spoke from behind.

He reflexively reached for his rifle but quickly let go, realizing it would only provoke me.

“Ah, well, I heard a rumor that there’s a café with amazing coffee around here…”

“A rumor?”

“Yes. Do you know SGNet? I’m an awakened one. SGNet said if you follow the Han River, you’d find a café. But there’s no building here except this one.”

“A café with amazing coffee?”

I tilted my head.

…It wasn’t until I searched SGNet myself later that I learned the truth, but the main instigators of this incident were none other than Tang Seorin and Cheon Yohwa.

They initiated what’s known as “biting” on the bulletin board.

-[Baekhwa] High School Senior : Hehe ><)! Cream latte, the most delicious thing in the world when you drink it while looking at the Han River ><)!! (Verification photo. No face, just holding a cream latte with the left hand and toasting towards the Han River) -[Three Thousand Worlds] Witch Judge: In these times, the preciousness of being able to taste a more flavorful coffee before the world falls apart. Magical autumn. (Verification photo. Only a witch hat and a coffee cup on the table, with the Han River in the background) Occasionally, when Tang Seorin or Cheon Yohwa visited my hideout, I, who has a hobby as a barista, naturally served them coffee. Because of their competitive posting of verification posts on SGNet, rumors spread like "There\'s an incredibly delicious cafe in Gangnam!" -KoreanVillage: Morning Coffee.jpeg What sealed the deal was my direct guild member \'Drinking Aggro\'. -KoreanVillage: My brother has no power unless he wakes up and supplements caffeine in the morning. -KoreanVillage: Today\'s cafe mocha.png -KoreanVillage: Do you think that I\'m too chewed up to drink coffee? If I have it, it\'s because of you that the board\'s quality is low, so I should commit suicide. -KoreanVillage: This gentleman\'s personal barista skills.jpg When Sim Aryeon uploaded verification photos every day, the structure overlapped mysteriously with Tang Seorin and Cheon Yohwa\'s verification shots, and the credibility of \'Gangnam Cafe\' among SGNet users rose. Our bicycle man was here to lure us from Gangwon Province to Seoul. "There\'s no cafe nearby. You know that all the stores properly operating in Gangnam are extinct. But that\'s empty where the Sauron tower is." "Oh... I see." The cyclist\'s face darkened. Was it just the early 20s? I smiled. "However, I know how to make coffee a little bit. Is this fate? How about a cup of coffee before you leave?" "Yes?" At first, the bicycle man refused, but he couldn\'t hide his joy when I insisted again. As a result, "Wow, really... It\'s delicious. Wow, boss. This seems much tastier than that Gangnam cafe..." "Thank you." "Wow, I really enjoyed it! Teacher! Thank you!" "Oh, no. If you ever need to buy coffee beans, come see me anytime. I\'ll brew it for you then." "Wow, thank you so much...!" The bicycle man tried to give me bullets or emergency supplies as a thank you, but I politely turned them down. Actually, from my point of view, it was a useless item. The cyclist couldn\'t help it, even riding his bicycle several times, bowing his head and leaving. The road slid into the asphalt, where the stuff is slowly starting to come up. Looking after the cyclist from a distance, I realized that today\'s unexpected meeting was quite enjoyable. "Oh." The moment I realized. What form I wanted from a hideout, why I was always dissatisfied with the hideouts I tried so hard. \'Cafe. It\'s a cafe!\' That\'s right. I\'ve always wanted to run a cafe. The passion of a return to the heart, which has been going on for a long time, was burning up. 2 "Brother. So, do you mean running a cafe in the guild\'s hideout building?" "Yeah. It\'s called a cafe-type hideout." "What\'s that, a little girl?" Lee Hayul didn\'t understand my idea at all. But I wasn\'t disappointed. After all, a pioneer is always being despised by the ignorant masses. The cafe I was trying to create was a type that had never existed in the history of the world so far. From the beginning to the end, it could only be born from my fingertips. "The view is unpleasant. A cafe is a store. Accessibility is everything. Do you agree?" "Um." "What you want is physical power. Plus, unbreakable security, even for the brainwashed group of ghosts. I have to be skeptical. How? A cafe and a hideout at the same time? Operating?" "That\'s right. Hey, Hayul. You\'re too caught up in old-fashioned ways. This is a world where you shouldn\'t be stubborn about an era of emptiness." "... Let me tell you a secret. Sometimes, when I drink alcohol, I call my sister, and I\'ve been complaining about my brother for three hours." "...?" "I\'m lazy. But lately, I think I understand my sister\'s feelings." "...?" Ignoring the meaningless resentment, I took out the solution. “We can achieve a two-for-one with an anomaly.” “An anomaly?” Lee Hayul blinked. "Using him? ...How?" Just like this. I immediately took Hayul down to Busan that day. The waters in front of Busan still held traces of the last remaining evidence of the Korea-Japan underwater tunnel, or in other words, the Inunaki Tunnel. The Inunaki Tunnel. This place was truly the master key that provided both a café-like atmosphere and security. Click. I immediately took a picture of the entrance of the underwater tunnel with a spirit camera. "Come back soon. Already the 57th time?" It had been a while since I took a picture, but the Inunaki Tunnel continued to update the number of times we met. I didn\'t quite understand the principle, but anyway, it could be judged that a \'continuous relationship\' was being established. In that case, could communication also be possible? "Can you understand my conversation?" Click. After throwing the question through psychic transmission, I took another picture. "Come back soon. Already the 57th time?" Unfortunately, there was no change in the spirit photo. I attempted communication again. "Inunaki, if you understand my conversation, leave another mark at the tunnel entrance. I will make an interesting proposal there." Click. "Come back soon. Already the 57th time?" "Hmm." Normal communication failed. No matter how much some monsters seemed to use language like humans, they did not think like humans. But who am I? Wasn\'t I the infinite regressor who successfully bred dinosaurs from words in the void on the 380th iteration? "...Oppa. I\'m really curious, so I\'ll ask. Why are you suddenly making mandu dumplings?" "Wait and see. It\'s a highly designed operation." From that day on, I set out to find a way to communicate with the Inunaki Tunnel. Day 1. Judging by the way it killed magical girls, it seemed it abnormally preferred human skulls, like Zhuge Liang did in the southern lands, so I stuffed meat tightly into mandu skins and offered them in front of the tunnel. (No response) Day 3. Wondering if it didn\'t like human skulls but had a secret hobby of tearing apart human bodies, I prepared human dolls and handed them over. (Placed them deep in the tunnel, only to find them vomited outside the entrance the next day. Effect confirmed.) Day 5. Perhaps it liked magical girls, I realized. So I collected pre-millennial magical girl figures and decorated the middle of the tunnel with them. (Torn apart and spewed out to the entrance of the tunnel. Communication success.) "Look! There\'s a response! Hayul! Monsters have their own ways of communicating, and we humans can find them!" "...No, it just seems angry." Day 10. As the \'magical girl figure strategy\' took hold, this time I brought in a large number of posters from the ancient magical girl series. The Magical Girl Association cooperated actively. I plastered posters all over the tunnel walls. (The graffiti came alive and tore the posters apart. Real-time communication successful. The Saintess who witnessed the process protested against me.) Day 17. Requested cooperation from the National Highway Management to plaster the tunnel with magical girl posters using death row inmates. After recording the magical girl animation OST, it was played through radios installed at the entrance, middle point, and exit of the tunnel, 13 locations in total. (The graffiti on the entire tunnel wriggled. Noh Doha didn\'t like it.) Day 25. While continuing previous work, I requested cooperation from Baekhwa Guild Leader Cheon Yohwa. Released the hundred ghosts into the tunnel. (Confirmed flooding in various places in the underwater tunnel. The graffiti moved fiercely as if screaming beyond wiggling. Cheon Yohwa didn\'t like it.) Day 30. The change was observed from the written language on the stone wall at the entrance to the tunnel. Don\'t come. Please go back. I was thrilled. Of course, it was difficult to assume that the monster understood the meaning of language in a semiotic manner. But I knew how humans would react to any words. The reason why the most common sound from the void is "Please save me!" I learned that the word is effective in tempting humans. Click. In the spiritual photo, there were many languages implemented in addition to "Don\'t come" and "Go back." \'Bad guy,\' \'noise pollution,\' \'why?,\' \'die,\' \'trouble,\' \'incomprehensible,\' \'curse,\' \'stop,\' \'noisy,\' \'I hate\' and so on. How dazzling a discovery is it? There was a rewarding attempt to communicate with Inunaki Tunnel, even though I received a lot of contemptuous looks. So, can communication methods be developed further from here? Inunaki Tunnel was a monster native to Japan. And just like Korean, there was a culture of honorifics in Japanese. In friendship, we will never forget one letter of courtesy as a virtue of Northeast Asia. Day 60. The number of posters attached to the tunnel walls increased 15 times, and the anime song was extended to 24 hours for unlimited viewing. The Magical Girl Association objected to the lack of posters that could be exported, but I never underestimated the potential of the Japanese archipelago. Since silver fell from the Iwami mine, Japan\'s main export product has been otaku culture. In addition to death row prisoners, all other prisoners were mobilized to cover the tunnel. No matter how hard Inunaki tried to tear the poster, it was useless. The human speed of putting up posters was faster. It was the very underwater tunnel connecting Japan and South Korea that showed off the ability to cook at a comic market. (Hayul, Noh Doha, Saintess, and Cheon Yohwa came together and requested a stop to this operation.) Day 70. Anime song radios placed throughout the tunnel were destroyed. Once again, I requested cooperation from the Magical Girl Association and held a magical girl concert in the middle of the tunnel. The live music that was different from the recorded sound echoed grandly from the bottom. (Hated Evenyo and Fearsword.) Day 77. The sentence at the entrance changed. Please don\'t come. Please go back. Whatever it is, I\'ll do it. Please. I shivered. Finally, even monsters had learned the customs of Northeast Asia. I was convinced that there was value in having a serious exchange with the other person. "Hayul. You waited a long time. I finally succeeded in persuading Inunaki Tunnel. Now we can create a perfect secure hideout." "Sorry. Can I work tomorrow? I have a dinner appointment with Noh Doha tonight. A drinking appointment." "Well, of course. Have a good time!" "......" Next episode. Instead of chaotic graffiti, a neat sign was hung on the stone wall at the entrance of Inunaki Tunnel. [Cafe hideout] [New entry scheduled!]